A nasty wet joke
by SharilinAlenko
Summary: Kaidan makes the mistake to get Shepard pissed off! Now he has to deal with the consequences of her anger, with a drink and some candies… NSFW


_**This fic is inspired by amazing crazy people from Tumblr, **_**saraportela**_**, **_**kaidansbioticapprentice**_** and **_**commanderallisonshepard**_**.**_

_**Well, we're talking about a wet Kaidan… so I can't regret anything!**_

* * *

"Oooooh thank you so much for your help, Major Alenko! We were really in a trouble with this panel!"

"No problem, I'm used to this kind of issues. I used to fix a lot of those, even on the Normandy SR-1", Kaidan answered to the two soldiers he just finished assisting on the CIC.

"Ihihih! You are the best, Major!" the young women squeal, blinking and elbowing each other excited.

He smiles to them and then goes away, just in time to face Shepard.  
"Oh, hi Shepard!" he smiles at her, but his enthusiasm is immediately cut off by her stance: she's staring at him chilly, her expression annoyed, her arms crossed on her chest and her left foot tapping on the floor.

"Uhuhuh you're the best Major!" she mimics the shrill voices of those girls, raising an eyebrow "So James was telling me the truth… You have your own fangirls on this ship!"

"Don't be silly, Shepard. I was just helping them, they needed help!" he replies to her, uncomfortable.

"Yeah… yeah… But I'm sure that they were not listening to a single word about the panel!" she burst out, gesticulating nervously "they were totally ravished by your husky warm voice… I'm surprised they still have their panties on!"

"Shepard! I can't believe…" he exclaims shocked.

"What!" she comes near him, pointing her finger at him, her face twisted by anger "It's all your fault for being so damn sexy that all the women in the crew can't stop looking at you with predatory eyes!"

"Shepard! Are you kidding me? Stop with that! It's not true!" he's feeling his cheeks burning of the embarrassment.

"Yes, it is!" she turns her head to the side, pouting.

"Wait a minute… are you jealous?" he asks amazed.

"Jealous? No! That's bullshit, Kaidan!" she jumps, stepping back from him.

"Oh yes you are! You are totally, completely consumed by jealousy!" he chuckles very happy. "But baby, you don't have to… You know there's no other person in the entire galaxy for me than you!"

"Shut up! Commander Shepard can't be jealous of some girlish recruits!" now it's her time to blush.

"But Commander Shepard is just a woman! And a woman can be jealous of the man she loves!" he blinks at her very amused… He's enjoying too much of this idea!

"WHAAAAAAAAT? Just a woman?! Me?! How dare you!" she slaps his arms very peeved.

He can't stop giggling like a child, so he tries to hug her, even if they're in the middle of the CIC, full of people of the crew, but she pushes him away.

"MAJOR ALENKO! We're on duty here!" she complains; now her face is the same color of her mahogany hair.

He holds his laugh "Pardon me, Ma'am!" then he leans his head near her ear "Ok, I'll preserve all my effusions for you for tonight…" he murmurs, using the tone he knows drives her totally insane, and he's immediately awarded by a low groan from her, along with a subtle tremble.

"Err… I… I should go now", and she runs toward the cockpit.

* * *

"Joker!" Shepard calls out loud.

"Yes, Commander?" the pilot turns to look at her from his seat.

"I've changed my mind about the joke we wanted to do to Vega" she says, approaching him.

"What do you mean?"

"We're going to do it tomorrow, because I've just decided to use the same idea against other man before James, and I don't want to risk spoilers!"

"But that way you're going to spoil it to James!" Joker tells her concerned.

"Don't worry, it will be a… private joke!" she grins mischievously.

Joker does the face palm gesture "Oh God! You're going to do some dirty sexual thing with Alenko, aren't you?"

"What? No! Oh my God, why are you always thinking about sex, Joker?" she answers outraged.

"Because it's so obvious that you and Kaidan aren't able to keep your hands off from each other! Even that other night, when you punished him after out strip poker game, you two ended up screwing like teenagers!"

"Wait… How do you know that?" she questions him.

"Err… I…" Joker stammers.

"Oh my… Were you spying on us?!" she asks shocked.

"No… Err…"

"OH SHIT! That's disgusting! SHAME ON YOU, Joker! I can't even… JEEZ!" and she leaves the room all disturb and cursing.

* * *

It's late at night and Kaidan is very exhausted after a full day of work. But he can barely contain his excitement thinking about the chat he had with Shepard, and the promise he said to her.

So he is very disappointed when he enters the Captain's cabin and finds an empty room.

Soon he notices a bottle of Coca-Cola and a pack of candies named Mentos on his bedside table, together with a note.

_- Hi baby,_

_I'll be late I've been called to a meeting with Hackett and Anderson._

_So I'm leaving here this small gift for you. I want you to enjoy it while waiting for me._

_It's a sparkling drink that becomes even tastier if you put one or two of those candies in it. Trust me! _

_Oh, but please, take off your clothes first, relax and then enjoy my surprise._

_Love you,_

_Shepard -_

He sighs at the idea of waiting for her and he goes and sits on the couch in front of the bed, taking the drink and the candies with him. He almost opens the bottle when he remembers Shepard's words _'take off your clothes'_.

'_Why do I have to…?'_ he asks himself 'Well, who cares? My naughty girl…', he grins getting up from his seat and freeing himself from the BDU's. When he's finally wearing his boxers, he returns his attention to Shepard's gift, standing in front of the coffee table.

'_A candy in a drink? I've never heard anything like this… It should be a habit from Mindoir!'_ he thinks as he begins to follow his lover's instructions.

But… immediately when the candies enter into the bottle, the sparking liquid burst out from it, almost exploding in front of his face! Kaidan falls on the floor scared while the drink wetting all his body.

He stays still for a while, frightened and stunned, wondering about what the hell just happened, when Shepard's voice floods the room.

"Did you enjoy my surprise, Major?" she asks almost breathless because of her laughs. He turns to look at her, his face twisted by anger and shock, but he doesn't say anything.

"Come on, it was funny!" she says approaching him slowly.  
His eyes wide-opened staring at her confused "W… w… why?"

"That was my revenge for what you've done and told me this afternoon!"

"I… I…" he seems like a hurt puppy, so Shepard starts to feel guilty

"Kaidan… Hey?" she moves near him, but suddenly he grabs her arm and pulls her down on the floor with him, dumping her with drink still sliding over his body.

"Oh shit! This isn't fair!" she yells, wiggling in his arms.

"Really… Shepard? Didn't you just say it is funny?" he asks her and all the shock disappeared from his face, replaced by an evil sneer.

"You were faking being scared! I can't believe it!" she tries in vain to free herself from his strong hold.

"Indeed, my dear!" he says to her "Now didn't you think I'll let you escape, did you?", and he embraces her more tightly, brushing his sticky stubble on her.

"Aaaaaaah noooo stop! You're soiling all my clothes and my hair!" she squeals.

"Not my problem, Shepard!"

"Please, stooop!" she keeps squirming.

"Are you begging me, Commander?"

"No… NEVER!" she growls finally releasing herself from his hug and biotically slamming his back on the floor. Then she clings immediately on him, straddling his hips and leaning her hands on his wet chest as he stays there motionless. Her sight wanders over all his sculptured body, that's gleaming because of the drink, and she bites her bottom lip.  
"I guess I need to clean you up now, Kaidan…" she brushes his chest with her index finger and she starts to laugh "So Joker was right, at last…"

"What do you m…" Kaidan can't finish his question because Shepard leans on him, joining her lips to his.  
"So, Major Alenko… Is my punishment enough for you?" she questions him as she blazes a trail of kisses on his jaw line "Have you learned not to piss me off again?"  
"But… I…" he gulps when she bites his earlobe.  
"You… You what, Major?" but he doesn't answer because her soft tongue is starting to lick softly his neck making him forget everything else.

"Mh mh, very sweet…" she murmurs without stopping her actions, "someone could think it's a waste of a drink… but for me is definitely more delicious to taste it from your skin…"  
She continues to lick him, going down slowly to his collarbone… Her hands lightly touching his arms, still spread on the floor, giving him goose bumps of pleasure.

"Shepard…" he moans delighted as she reaches his nipples: she bites and sucks one for a while, then she traces a line with her tongue till she meet the other one, and repeats her motions on it.

When she seems satisfied of her work, she proceeds going down delineating every single muscle of Kaidan's abdominals, and he quiver when she plunges her tip in his navel.

He wants to caress her but her hands are keeping his arms still on his sides "Please Shepard… I want to touch you…"

She stops and returns to look at him "Do you want to touch me, Major?"

"Yes… Please…" he begs.

She smirks naughtily and she gets up, making him whimper bothered "I don't know if you deserve it…" she begins to undo the buttons of her BDU's "I really didn't like your behavior this afternoon…"

He swallows hard at the sight of her sexy underwear showing up underneath her clothes that are soon on the floor, near the empty bottle.

"But… what have I done?" he asks her, amused by her teasing.

She doesn't respond him, returning to sit on his legs, her fingertips slipping under the band of his boxer, and giving him a searing glaze "Are you trying to deny that you were flirting with those girls in the CIC?"

He jumps at her words "Flirting?! Come on Shepard… I could never…"

"What Major?" she grins at him, her blue eyes hypnotizing him.

"I…" again the words die on his mouth: she takes off his undergarment freeing his arousal. A groan escapes from Kaidan, but he continues to look at her "I don't have any kind of interest in other women, I just want you… I always wanted only you…"

Shepard smiles at him "This is the right answer, Major…" she grasps his erection gently with her right hand "Now let's find out if the drink has run through the cloth…"

She leans on him – the tip of her tongue brushes his silky head, while she's keeping eye-to-eye contact with him. She starts to lick him down all his length while her hand pumps him softly, and he quivers under her touch.

"Mmh… I don't understand… I'm afraid I've to delve into my survey" she states just before she takes him into her mouth. At the sensation on her warm cavity wrapped around him, Kaidan's head falls against the floor helpless, moaning out loud.

She moves up and down on him, her wet lips sucking hard and fast while her left hand is on his stomach, caressing him, and when she peers out his face she sees he's satisfied by his sexy eyebrows being tense above his closed eyes, his mouth is slightly open calling her name panting.

"Shepard…" despite of unbearable pleasure he's feeling, somehow he realizes that his arms are now free to move, and so he sinks his fingers into her hair, following her motion over him unconsciously.

Soon she senses he's almost there, but she doesn't want him to finish, so she halts slowly, giving him few last licks "No… there was definitely no drink here. Your boxers must be waterproof, what do you think?"

"I think that you have to take off your underwear, NOW!" Kaidan yells at her. Shepard gulps staring into his heavy lidded eyes darkened by lust, which, together with his commanding tone and his taste still lingering on her tongue, increased instantly her burning desires for him. So she accomplished his order silently and she straddles his thighs, his throbbing erection pressing at her moist entrance.

"You are mine Kaidan" she states as she starts to take him inside her, her eyes never leaving his.

"Yes I am" he agrees moving his hips to meet her.

"No one will ever be able to have you like this" she continues until he's buried to the hilt within her "You belong to me!"

"Only to you…" he pants while she starts to ride him.  
But this isn't enough, oh God only knows it isn't. Kaidan has to touch her, to kiss her… He grabs her chest tightly while raising his back from the floor seating up and holding her close towards him.

Shepard moans at the unexpected change of position, feeling his length drowning deeply inside her. "Kaidan!" she gasps without stopping her movements up and down on him.

"Yes, my love… Yours…" he urges her to arch her spine, her head falling behind, so he can reach her breast with his mouth, kissing and nipping them wildly while his hands are squeezing the globes of her ass.  
Her muscles are clenching down on him and he thrusts faster – harder and desperately into her, like he's trying to find out a way to get even closer to her, to melt within her.

"I love you so much…" he murmurs against the fragrant of her skin, sucking and biting her neck by the pulse spot.

"You're… mine…" she repeats almost stammering "I love you… too… KAIDAN!" she finally cries out as she reaches her powerful climax.

Having her panting and quivering in his arms, overwhelmed by the pleasure he gave her, is enough for Kaidan to lose control too "Oh baby… you're perfect… I… I…" and he comes fiercely, hugging her strongly and emptying himself deep inside her.

They both fall against the floor, still holding each other's trembling bodies.

"So… Shepard… Were you preserving that drink and those candies for a thing like that?" he asks her, kissing her forehead lovingly.

"No… It was Joker's idea… to play a prank to Vega during dinner…" she answers "But… after your misbehavior with those girls… I decided to take advantage of his idea…"

"That was an interesting way to show your jealousy…" he chuckles.

"I repeat, I am not jealous!" she frowns "It's just a coincidence that they'll be dismissed from our ship next time we dock at the Citadel!"

"What?! Are you serious?!", he questions her amazed.

"That was a joke!" she imitates EDI's voice, bursting into laughter.


End file.
